On Not Being a Success (Whatever That Means). Thoughts from a San Francisco Therapist
On Not Being a Success (Whatever That Means)
Failure is a loaded word—but maybe it shouldn’t be. For creatives, it’s part of the gig. Yet, when you shackle your self-worth to external validation, falling short can feel devastating. This guide is about unpacking what "failure" really means, dismantling self-criticism, and finding ways to keep creating—even when the world isn’t throwing accolades your way.
What Does Success Even Mean?
Before you call yourself a failure, ask: What does success actually look like—for you? Often, we take on other people’s definitions without realizing it, leading to frustration, self-doubt, anxiety, and depression. Consider these questions:
Is the goal financial success? If so, what does that mean—covering your bills? Hitting six figures? What’s your goal based on? Are you comparing yourself to others? Try to be honest about your needs versus arbitrary numbers. Ask yourself what’s a realistic goal for your career and particular situation.
Is the goal fame? And in whose eyes? How do you define fame anyway? Is it about hitting the New York Times bestseller list, headlining a major venue, or simply being recognized in your local creative community? Is it having others love your work but only if they tell you about it?
Is the goal to be published or exhibited? Are you measuring success by the number of copies sold, gallery openings, or audience size?
Is the goal to be better than some famous writer, artist, or performer? Competition can be a big driving force for some, but it carries a big emotional risk if you see yourself as less-than if you don’t reach this goal.
Is the goal to love your work? Some creatives admit they don’t like the process and can only feel a sense of achievement once the work is finished. That’s a hard way to live. Sometimes the biggest achievement is creating something you feel proud of—regardless of whether the world notices.
Is the goal to improve? Being better than you were yesterday, to have smaller, more measurable markers can make a difference in your ability to grow as a creative, and to feel good about yourself doing it.
What purpose does your art serve? Is it to express, to heal, to entertain, to prove something? Identifying your "why" clarifies whether you’re truly failing—or just measuring yourself against someone else’s yardstick.
👉 Someone once said: "Failure is only a function of goals." If your goals aren’t clear, success is like a moving target you’ll never hit. Consider redefining or refining what your goals are.
The Voice in Your Head (And Why It’s an Asshole)
That critical inner voice? It’s relentless:
“I wrote a novel, but no one read it.”
“My friends love my drawings, but I’ve never shown in a gallery.”
“I write my own songs, but no record label is calling.”
“I love doing stand-up, but my family says it’s not a real career.”
“I published a volume of short stories, but no one bought it.”
“My greatest joy is working on a new composition, but I’ll never be as good as my favorite composer.”
This constant “yes, but” thinking reduces your accomplishments to footnotes. It’s not just unkind—it’s unhelpful. Many creatives have a double whammy, feeling self-critical for not reaching a goal, and then telling yourself your feelings are “stupid” or “weak,”. Neither will make them disappear. They just discover other ways to show up – usually as anxiety, shame, or eventually burnout.
Truth check: Feelings aren’t permanent and however unpleasant they may be to experience, they aren’t going to kill you. It’s helpful to remember that feelings have something important to tell you. If you aren’t open to this, they may do an end run and find another way through. Give yourself the space to feel the disappointment instead of shoving it aside. It’s not weak—it’s human.
What to Do When You Feel Like a Failure
Name the Thought, Call the Bluff Identify self-critical thoughts for what they are: simply arbitrary standards. Who decided you’re only a "real" artist if you have an agent or sell out a show?
Recognize the Weight of Self-Criticism Imagine wanting to run a mile—but someone straps a 50-pound backpack to you filled with all the negative crap you tell yourself: "I’ll never be good enough," "I’ll never be a success." How far do you think you’ll get?
Understand Why Giving Up Feels Safer When self-criticism piles up long enough, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and creative paralysis. Giving up isn’t laziness—it’s self-protection. If you stop writing, performing, painting, you stop triggering those painful thoughts. But then comes a new wave of guilt for "quitting." It’s a cruel loop.
Redefine Failure (Seriously, it’s Absurd) What if failure was just Another F*cking Growth Opportunity (AFGO)? And really, that’s it in a nutshell. If you never fail, you never grow. And here’s a twist: People who fail less often struggle more when they eventually do. They’re less able to handle this entirely normal event in a healthy way. Every stumble can build resilience and strengthens your ability to keep going because you keep it in perspective.
Mine the Mess for Gold Ask yourself: Could you do anything differently? Seek honest feedback from peers, mentors, or other professionals. Study the mechanics of what went wrong—but don’t make it a referendum on your worth. Mistakes aren’t character flaws—they’re part of the process. Let me repeat that one – mistakes are part of the process.
Detach Your Identity from the Outcome This one is particularly hard for creatives; our work isn’t like bookkeeping or plumbing for example. When you pour your heart and soul into your work, and your work reflects your experiences, your wants, needs, and desires, it can be extremely difficult to disconnect from that. But that is what you must do. Your art reflects you—but it isn’t you. If you fuse your identity with your art, every rejection feels like a personal failure. The truth? You can’t continue to make art and to thrive as a human unless you peel those apart.
Stop Overfocusing on the Imperfections You can’t continue to grow and develop as a creative if you only see the flaws in your work. And telling yourself how much you suck isn’t particularly conducive to making art. You see the path from where you are and where you wish to go, and then you put a few large boulders in the middle of the path and somehow expect you’ll magically achieve your goal? Doesn’t work. Instead, get to know your strengths, the skills, abilities, and talent you have that are unique to you like a fingerprint
Does Anyone Remember the Concept of Having Fun? Our misfortune in many ways is that we live in a culture that’s so results and outcome oriented – to a degree that’s unhealthy. Of course we want to finish a project, but when we focus too much on the end product, we lose sight of the journey. And there are many things to learn, to enjoy, to have fun with on that journey – don’t miss out on them.
Reality Check: Being a Creative in the U.S. is Tough
Let’s be real—being an artist of any stripe and running a small business are two different skill sets. You might be brilliant at creating, but no one taught you how to market yourself, manage finances, or handle rejection. If you went to art school, or got an MA in creative writing, chances are they didn’t have many (if any) classes on how to be a small business owner. And yet so many creatives expect they should just somehow know how to do this. Please know that it’s okay if that part feels overwhelming—it’s not a failure. It’s just another set of skills to learn.
Practical Strategies to Keep Creating (When You Want to Quit)
Take Breaks: Creativity isn’t an assembly line. Step back when you need to reset; it can be helpful to leave the work alone for a while. Watch funny animal videos, call a friend, go outside and walk around the block, drink some water. Sometimes we just need to stop and regroup rather than trying to power through.
Celebrate Small Wins: When we don’t recognize our progress along the way, the result becomes artificially inflated in importance. If you look at your writing as working in the salt mines and the only promise of any relief is getting an agent and a book deal, then that becomes all important. Have you ever gone all day without eating to the point where you didn’t really taste a thing when you did eat? Depriving yourself isn’t healthy, whether we’re talking about of food or self-acknowledgement. So, if you found the right mix of colors for that skin tone, or you got that tricky couple of paragraphs to flow better, give yourself some credit. That’s progress. Acknowledge it instead of moving the goalposts.
Beware Comparisonitis: There will always be artists, writers, etc. whose work makes more money, sells more copies, receives better reviews. That is the nature of the world regardless of who you are or what field you work in. Given that’s the case, although quite seductive to resist, comparing yourself and your work to others is pointless. Focus on your path.
Remember Your Why: There can be days (or months) when all we can see is what isn’t working or get fixated on what isn’t happening. It can help to give yourself some quiet time to reflect on what inspired you to create in the first place. Reconnect with that spark when things feel bleak.
Find Your People: Being a creative, especially when the work is primarily in isolation, is daunting. It requires both the ability to persist in the face of obstacles, whether external or internal, and resilience. Unlike other careers or endeavors, there may not be that many ‘Good job! Well done!’ remarks coming our way. That’s why it’s important to realize you shouldn’t go it alone. We all need support in whatever form that takes. Stay connected to like-minded people who get you, whether that means a good friend, a supportive hang out group, or a more formal critique group.
You Don’t Have To Go It Out Alone
Creative work is demanding, but you’re not broken for feeling the weight of it. If you’d like to talk through the struggles you’re experiencing as a creative, or the emotional blocks keeping you stuck, I’m here to help.
📞 Call me at 415-379-3615 for a free 20-minute consultation. Let’s see if working together might give you the support you need to keep creating—and thriving.